Rules & Etiquette

Okay, they’re not really ‘rules’, but they’re fun. Keep these handy and hilarious tips in mind next time you’re at the tubs.

1. People wearing jockstraps tend to make it with other people wearing jockstraps. Nobody makes it with people wearing pink bikinis.

2. You can have a heart attack fucking in the whirlpool.

3. It is extremely hazardous to your health to attempt to inhale poppers while under water.

4. Saying “I’m resting” to everyone who seeks entry into your room defeats the purpose of going to the baths.

5. If everyone who said “I don’t come here often” was telling the truth, there would be no one there.

6. Those who lay naked on their stomachs with their asses in the air remind one of electric pencil sharpeners.

7. Conversations in the orgy room should be kept to a minimum. Grunts, groans, notices that “I’m coming,” and invitations to do it in a room instead are acceptable; discussions of the weather, ex-lovers, favorite lubricants, the quality of the darkness, and the pros and cons of cockrings are not.

8. If you are looking for a wonderfully spiritual union with a kindred spirit, you are in the wrong place.

9. Do not assume that the guys walking into walls are on some weird new drug; most likely, they have just left their glasses in their lockers. It is better to look good than to see good.

10. Once in a while, do your good deed for the gay: let an old troll suck your cock. Such magnanimous gestures are duly recorded by the Great Faggot in the Sky, and when you are an old troll, the favors will be returned in kind. Yes, Virginia, that’s the way it works.

11. Please realize that bathrooms, even those at the tubs, do have legitimate purposes. Giving someone a blowjob in a cubicle while outside the locked door seven guys are turning various shades of green will not make you popular.

12. If you are tempted to wear a Lacoste shirt with your towel, understand that many people would find it a capital offense.

13. Finish what you start.

14. If you see a man in a room with a can of Crisco, a thick belt, and a bottle of poppers neatly arrayed on the little table, before entering, be certain you know the purpose of all three items.

15. When it’s past the wrist is not the time to say “no.”

16. It’s okay to bring your own rope; it’s not okay to tie yourself up.

17. Spending seventy-two consecutive hours at the tubs will neither destroy your reputation nor greatly enhance it.

18. If you are at the baths busily cheating on your lover, don’t make a scene should you discover him there.

19. People who say, “I’ve never done that before,” should be informed that the ability to deep throat is not genetic.

20. Those who lose the keys to their rooms or lockers are never heard from again.

21. The law of increasing good looks: People tend to become more attractive the longer you are there.

22. In the dark all cats are gray, but ten inches is still better than six inches.

    Men with small cocks can be sexually tremendous if they are technically proficient, but men with big dicks don’t have to know a damn thing.

    Doing it for England is as valid a reason for doing it as any.

    A primitive tribe in Borneo does not have a word for “no” in its language. Natives deny sexual favors by looking mournful and saying, “I’d like to, but I just came.”

23. After you’ve been fucked by twelve guys in the orgy room, you will never again convince anyone with your coy routine.

24. Asking to borrow someone’s cockring is even more tasteless than asking to borrow someone’s comb.

25. Law of maximum discomfort: When they call your room number or locker number to the front desk you will inevitably be in a position impossible to get out of quickly without seriously injuring yourself.

26. You can cause a panic by yelling, “There’s a man in room 379!”

27. For a real hoot, go to the baths without having used alcohol or drugs. It is truly amazing how fabulously you will be able to make out when you are the only one there in a solid state.

28. Giggling is not a correct response to, “Wanna fuck?”

29. If you can remember the title of the porno movie that was showing in the “rest section”, you did not have a good time.

30. It is pointless to consider why guys who won’t even talk to you at the bars are so eager to suck your cock at the baths.

31. Spending more than two hours with one number at the baths makes you two “an item.” More than four hours makes you engaged. On a good night, it is possible to commit bigamy.

32. For some unknown reason, it is considered embarrassing to make it with someone you already know.

33. No one ever believes the line, “We’re really not lovers.”

34. At all times, remember that tubbing is a participation, not a spectator sport.

35. Spending hours deciding what to wear to the tubs is a particularly inane waste of time.

36. Never try to explain the baths to heterosexuals.

37. Possession of more than three bath cards makes you a serious faggot.

38. Georgina’s law of the weight room: People working out are doing it for your benefit, not theirs.

39. Formal attire means a black jockstrap.

40. Contrary to popular belief, one can indeed be too clean.

41. You can never be too rich, too muscular, or have too big of a dick.

42. Believe it or not, it is possible to have good sex without using poppers. A man in New Jersey claims to do it all the time.

43. Once checked in, street clothes are not allowed (exceptions may be approved by management).

And those are the Rules Of The Baths. Use them wisely and pass the knowledge along to those newcomers who may need it. Reprduced with permission from FLEX BATHS.